To the boy who broke my heart.
How often do you think about what we had? How often do you think about how you lost me? How you broke me? Do you cry late at night because you hurt me? Do you think about the laughs that we shared? About the inside jokes and sleep-deprived talks? Do you think about how we would fall asleep on the phone or how we’d spend hours playing games? Do you think about how I did everything for you? How I stood up for you even when you were wrong? Do you think about how many times you made me cry? How many times you blocked me and laughed about it? How many times you didn’t care what you said to me? What about when I would get upset because you’d said something that was really mean and out of line? Do you ever think about how I could have done the same to you, but didn’t? What about the time you cried on the phone right after your grandma passed away? I was there for you. I stayed on the phone until you were okay. I held on for you. I stayed up so many nights because WE were having fun because WE were happy. What about the times that your girlfriends would talk shit about me? I still stayed around. Because you were my best friend. Because I cared about our friendship. A friendship that you threw down the drain. A friendship that meant absolutely nothing to you. You left me in the dust. You threw me out like I was trash when I needed you most. I have slowly fallen apart since February because I lost you. I’ve held myself together because you were toxic, and I knew I was better off without you. But that didn’t make this hurt any less. For almost two years, you were everything to me. But you were mean, and I was scared to leave. You attacked any person I was openly friends with. You pushed people away from me and pulled me towards you. You wouldn’t let me live my own life, and everything I did had to be approved by you. I couldn’t talk to my other friends because I was “replacing you”. You controlled me, and for so long I didn’t see it. I didn’t notice it until you started ghosting me. Suddenly everything made sense, you were controlling, and I didn’t need you to survive anymore. Suddenly I was on my own, and I was scared, but I was free. I wasn’t trapped in a friendship that you held over my head anymore. I wasn’t being manipulated, tricked, trapped. I was my own person, and I hadn’t been my own person in so long that I was lost, I didn’t know what to do at first. For so long I depended on you to talk to. I had lost almost all my other friends because you took me from them. I had people to apologize to. People who knew what you were doing, but couldn’t get through to me because you had me brainwashed. All the times that you would block me, and I’d look foolish, begging for you back. That makes me feel sick because it’s exactly what you wanted. You wanted the control, and once you had enough, you threw me out like I was sour milk. Although I am happier now, I still miss you. I miss the good in you. I miss having somebody who would talk to me. But I shouldn’t miss you, missing you is wrong. That’ll be gone one day, one day you won’t get to know that I miss you. You don’t get to have any control over me anymore. I’ve gained back the friends that I lost thanks to you. I might be sad and broken, but I’m not alone anymore. I’m not controlled anymore. I’m not getting manipulated. And though I still cry, I still hurt, I’m not going back.
So to the boy who broke my heart, thank you. Thank you for throwing me out, thank you for ghosting me, and making me feel worthless, because now I am free, and now I am learning to love myself, live for myself, I’m no longer trapped, controlled. You won’t get me back.
♡ Aley Loves ♡ 